Every Name has an Origin Story
& HOW TO STAGE AN INTERVENTION TO CHANGE THE WEATHER
I’m starting this week’s Newsletter checking off a long standing to do from my list:
Share the origin story of the Teeny Tremor Newsletter with the WONDERFUL folks who are reading along.
I want to share the origin story of this Newsletter’s name to set some intentions for how this publication will take shape from this point onward. In this week’s edition I’ll clarify my orientation point and explore a different kind of pride—the wounded kind. I’ll also be talking about that kind of pride’s bedfellow, the shrouded sister of shame.
The undertaking, making, creating of this here newsletter is going to start shape shifting this spring. To include more artistic expressions, not just the educational sort.
So where does this baby get her name?
There are two dance artists based in the bay area who were the inspiration for the title. Both of them are choreographers and educators, they make work that is compelling, provoking, and thoughtful. It’s only logical that they’ve chosen really good names for their own companies.
The first is Little Seismic Dance company, founded and ran by Artistic Director and teaching artist Katie Faulkner, one of the first teachers I had post college who opened me up to the magical world of Rudolf Von Laban.
The second is tinypistol by Artistic Director Maurya Kerr. Maurya educates, dances, writes poetry and makes films collaborating with artists and communities through out bay area.
Each is a force unto herself, Katie and Maurya were proof, living breathing proof that I could be an artist in the world, and live a fulfilling life doing so. They are part and parcel the reason why I call myself one today, and believe it when I say it.
When I first laid eyes on the names of their companies, I had that feeling you get when you realize someone made the thing you wanted to make before you got around to it. That thought passes through your mind, “Were you IN here with me recently? How did you know…” A mixture of aw shucks, with a healthy side of oooooo that’s SO good. that’s it. that hits.
I liked the f o r c e each represents, the repercussions implied, and the sound of the words.
I mean come on, pistol?
What a nice sounding word.
I sat with the two and tried to find whats was in the middle. I thought about what I wanted my newsletter to speak to and represent.
I resonate with the implications of making waves through my writing big enough to shift tectonic plates, but I’m only one voice, and I wanted to choose something that honored that, while also suggesting the compounding force of many….the more minds and voices and hearts that gather, the more powerful they’ll be in their efforts.
I wanted something that felt like it was a challenge to myself to keep writing, and operated as inspiration and encouragement to others to contribute their voices too.
I wanted to evoke one of my all time favorite topics to engage in
COMPLEXITY.
To get at the contradictory implications of The Butterfly Effect, which laid the groundwork for chaos theory, coinciding with the hard to believe yet reliable symmetry that emerges from the cause and effect taking place in the cosmic field of information in which we are all key players expressed through the precision and beauty of a perfected mathematics.
What wonder!
Peter Dizikes wrote in the Boston Globe:
"The 'innumerable' interconnections of nature, Lorenz noted, mean a butterfly's flap could cause a tornado — or, for all we know, could prevent one. Similarly, should we make even a tiny alteration to nature, 'we shall never know what would have happened if we had not disturbed it,' since subsequent changes are too complex and entangled to restore a previous state."
I wanted to speak to the nature of things through the infinite ongoingness of change, speak to the idea that small ripples can turn into massive floods. I wanted the title to encompass that of emergent wisdom, knowledge and storytelling as things containing the power to disrupt—something that gets at the idea we do need to break some shit to rebuild anew.
little…tiny… —> teeny.
I said it out loud. I liked the word.
I feel teeny. It’s small enough to account for my size when measured against the greater whole of an ever expanding universe without diminishing my sense of self.
seismic, pistol, a tiny pistol is a force to be reckoned with, a pistol invokes movement, so does seismic —> hmmmmmmm……..trrrrrrremor.
ooo. Shivers. The thing animals do in the wild when they recover from a near death experience.
The aftershock of an earthquake.
The reverberations felt that come from big shifts, deep change, tectonic transformation.
Teeny Tremor. I like how it rolls off the tongue.
And so The Teeny Tremor newsletter was born.
Thank you Katie, Thank you Maurya. Your artistry made space for this.
Then it got me thinking, what is the anatomy of a tremor? Maybe I can get to know it by looking at its definition.
An involuntary action that is rhythmic according to physio-pedia. The life-long dancer, sensitive creative, science nerd in me is trying to make sure my DROOL doesn’t hit the floor.
Ok so then we’re talking about input, nervous systems, weather patterns, the greater morphic field…when it comes down to finding one, conjuring one? Inviting one? However IT comes, it’s going to depend on what kind of body the tremor is taking place in.
A tremor in my soft animal body ? Or a tremor happening deep within the earth?
What are the things that bring about a tremor? That lead to one?
There IS a degree of MYSTERY in there. Which comes with complexity. Always. It’s impossible to see every thing happening everywhere all at once although the movie got damn close. A buddha consciousness can—someone who has woken up, an enlightened being. That’s the ULTIMATE.
And that’s aspirational so let’s get down to the brass tacks side of things.
And begin with insights about the…
inputs that impact the system
conditions that create the drama
natural shifts in tides
neutral shifts in stride
weather as an expression of a pattern
that lead to /((( the teeny tremors )))\
By starting off with a PROPOSAL that makes the strong case for a necessary
⚠️INTERVENTION⚠️
HOW TO STAGE AN INTERVENTION TO CHANGE THE WEATHER:
FORECAST: We expect a visit from your inner victim and inner cop today, fairly confidenty the outer cop is going to show up at some point. Expect mornings clouded with negative narratives of powerlessness, high chance of wind as the self-directed insults, blaming and judgment roll in midday, higher chance of judging everyone else in the afternoon. 95% chance of elevated emotions throughout: erratic shifts between pride and shame through out the day following the stormy thought patterns.
WHEN TO INTERVENE? When you are sick and tired of the weather. Suggestion from you local weather gal? Adjust the conditions to create a new weather pattern to move with.
Ok I know what you’re thinking, isn’t this playing GOD Zoe?
Truth be told yes, you are ground control for your own inner experience. You may experience turbulence as a result of forces outside of you that are bigger than you, but you are flying the plane hunny and there is plenty of space to explore. You will get better at scanning for conditions once you learn the difference between them, in how they feel, in what kind of weather patterns they lead to. You gain expertise through experience.
You are course correcting over time for the path you want to chart. No guarantees, which is also part of the fun.
In this way you are both the captain flying the plane and the weather itself. Its a chicken and egg kind of a situation, don’t get lost in the sauce
Alright enough with the damn metaphors. On with the intervention.
LAYING THE GROUNDWORK FOR THIS KIND OF CHANGE — GET A LAY OF THE LAND:
Advisory note: This intervention is staged to downgrade, obliterate and undermine toxic pride and debilitating shame. Not without some turbulence along the way. Toxic is the kind that seeks to dominate and overpower. RADICAL honesty is required to make shifts. Stick with it, fear not in the face of what you encounter, you are not alone in what you’ll find, you can do it. The turbulence wont last forever.
Here’s what I’ve gathered about my own inner landscape. In conflict, the pride part of me tells me I’m better than others, smarter, more capable, it avoids discomfort by tuning into these thoughts, then it withdrawals and works hard to justify my existence by arguing about being “right” ensuring I can’t be corrected or connected.
It’s a protective impulse. Even though I know this I don’t particularly like this part. Although I prefer it to shame, it leads to behavior I’m not always proud of.
Unchecked pride does unnecessary harm. Let’s not forget that sneaky sense of superiority that comes with it. Which we all know is a rapidly accelerating step on the crash course to entitlement.
She ain’t all bad and I am not the center of the universe. Folks hold their own, check me, check out, and take care of themselves. Still, it’s helpful to see these implications with a searing kind of honesty in order to make the necessary adjustments to stop the winds stoking the forest fire. Preservation can quickly turn into catastrophe without the proper protocols.
She also, in her weird little way has allowed me to excel and develop a robust sense of self in the areas in which she shines. The kind of possibility that can only be forged in fire.
My shame works in the opposite direction. “Not good enough.” My presence could be replaced by anyone else’s and no one would know the difference. Down into the deep watery spiral we go.
Do you see that BIG FAT SPACE IN THE MIDDLE THERE? The unoccupied space?
That’s the space we are aiming for. That’s the quiet in the middle of the storm. That’s where the weather is calmest. That’s where we STAGE THE INTERVENTION. Not where the pressure and risk is highest, where the risk isn’t so great. The effects will ripple out.
What’s in there? Let’s take a looK.
The safety that comes in the peaceful middle has been carved out by an adaptive and conditioned stress response. It’s been shaped by it.
WE’VE LOCATED THE HEART OF THE PATTERN:
FAWN. Pride and shame are the adaptations that come along with the fawning that is protecting a very specific wound, coupled with a very specific story, bookending either side.
DIAGNOSTICS:
Fawn is a subconscious stress response state. A combination of ventral and dorsal aka the parasympathetic state more commonly known as “rest & digest” and the state of “overwhelm & dissociation” that follows too much time spent in fight or flight. We’re in our social engagement system and immobilized by our body’s response to threat (our fear). It’s a complex one. We are hyper focused on the other while losing touch with ourselves. Seemingly stuck and convinced by the idea that if you are ok, I will be ok.
But we aren’t stuck. We have choice, we just aren’t necessarily in touch with it.
Because of this, here is what I suggest.
DO A COST BENEFIT ANALYSIS: WHAT IS THE CURRENT PATTERN COSTING YOU?
I know what chronic fawning state costs me - connection, “no harm done” guaranteed to the extent I can put my best foot forward, trust between me and me, and me and you, truth.
Identify the conditions that make it so, and figure out what’s missing. What needs aren’t being met?
This should convince you enough to at least understand the benefit of staging the intervention.
GET CRYSTAL CLEAR ON WHAT YOU WANT AND PRACTICE ARTICULATING IT.
Start focusing on the positive, where you are heading, what action you need to take, what skills you need to practice to get there. No amount of complaining about what isn’t working is going to shift you into what is unless you know exactly what it is your shifting to and start taking action to make it so.
This will provide a trustworthy Northstar for you to aim for. You don’t get out of a pattern if you don’t have another one to land on. Turbulence or no turbulence, a plane needs air to fly.
Then…the best advice I can give as someone who has navigated the shitty weather of Fawn? The number one thing to get busy practicing so you can start experiencing new, better, sunnier, more pleasant weather?
GET YOURSELF A FRIEND YOU FEEL SAFE TO DISAGREE WITH. AND PRACTICE EVERY TIME YOU HONESTLY DISAGREE, DISAGREEING WITH THEM. OUT LOUD.
To clarify your own thinking in the face of difference.
To rebuild trust with yourself by proving to you, you’ve got your own back and can stand up for your own opinions and perspective.
To trade passive surviving with brave risk taking that leads to bold living.
To stop accumulating resentment
The outcome will be a different kind of weather. At first, it’s gunna get bumpier, but you will soon find you’ve suddenly caught perfectly silky smooth air.
Here’s the skinny on this weather pattern I know so well:
The truth is, it doesn’t feel good when I agree with everything other people say.
Friends or strangers.
Compulsive fawning leads to a hoard of resentment. When someone is upset I can quickly drop into defense by drawing from my arsenal, with thoughts like ‘I never really liked them anyway, they never really cared about me, they kind of annoy me so it doesn’t really matter.’
All justifying the survival based impulse to disconnect. Stoking my pride, feeding my shame. The result is a fragile, anemic ego.
If you have a history of fawning, if you identify as a people pleaser, if you have a hard time knowing what you need, speaking up, disagreeing with what everyone else is saying, if you are tired of disconnecting, practice getting comfortable being uncomfortable in the face of disagreement.
Use the relationship space to practice sorting out your thinking, and feelings, and needs. Practice asking for things, owning what you want so that you can know it finally, and get some good reps in communicating it.
A friendly reminder: expressing, communicating, asking does not guarantee you get what you want. Practice anyway.
When you get practiced at owning what is true, you re-establish a sense of trust between you and you.
The world will become less scary, and people become more trustworthy the more you are able to trust yourself.
This is how you build up your self worth again, and soften the shame that keeps you questioning it, and de escalate the pride that keeps you placing yourself above everyone else. You will build confidence around your capacity to advocate for yourself, and stop choosing relationships that don’t serve you, or keeping your mouth shut in the face of injustice because you’re afraid of what it’s gunna look like if you open it.
You will start prioritizing a drama free life.
Finding the courage to disagree is deep medicine in a time where cancel culture and tiptoeing around feelings and political correctness keeps us apologizing for simply taking up space. The ambiguity is deafening.
Our carefulness is killing our courage and fear is festering in the space left by our shrinking.
If you stop reinforcing your need to stay small, you will gain humility, in receiving other peoples truth, in walking a more honest path where things are out in the open. So don’t worry about being an asshole, life WILL humble you.
Your more common experience will be one where I trust you with my truth, and you trust me with yours. And we take it from there.
We learn to take better care of each other as a result. Not from some compulsive fear it’s all going to disappear one day.
No more #deathgripping
Learn to speak honestly about what’s in your own heart. No more biting your tongue and holding back.
If you begin to speak up for yourself in the moments you are afraid, you will begin to see the ways in which you are like everyone else, and it will be a relief.
If you’re like me you will have built up a lot of your identity around being special, misunderstood, the outcast, the exception. Expect to grieve those parts when you realize you aren’t so special.
You will delight in your ability to disagree, and disappoint others, and it will no longer be the reason you leave a friendship, for fear you are no longer welcome. This is the stuff that strengthens bonds.
Freedom from conditional belonging is what allows us to be more honestly prepared to handle the truth. More honestly connected in our relationships. More honorable in our interdependence.
And what a blessing it is when we are able to see it. The truth.
Don’t waste the moments of clarity.
Use them to get free.
xx
Z